No collateral damage from suicide bombers! Really?

As I watch CNN coverage of the Israel/Gaza conflict (or the "Israeli incursion into Gaza," as some reporters like to refer to it), I notice that every report emphasizes the number of women or children who were injured or killed...

"...dozens of women and children were killed in the blast..."

"...Ahmed is mourning his two wives and three children who were sleeping in the house when it was decimated by Israeli forces..."

Nasty shit.

Quick question: Pay attention to the next reports of suicide bombers in Iraq or Afghanistan. How often do you hear any reference to the number of women and children killed by a Muslim extremist suicide bomber. 

Answer: Almost never. Don't believe me? Check it out.

Don't get me wrong. I'm nowhere near pro-Israel. I have a very difficult time mustering sympathy for either side in the conflict. The way the American media sympathizes with the side that has no respect for the rights that are supposedly closest to the hearts of Americans is sickening.

Denmark does it again!

Denmark, that sleepy little European backwater, has once again shocked the world by disrespecting Islam and republishing the reprehensible cartoon images of the Prophet Muhammed. For those of you who haven't been following the news, the republication was a response to the arrest of three people who were plotting to kill the artist because the cartoons were an affront to Islam.

Here are three of the cartoons. There were others, but for some reason, the one that was most offensive was the bombhead--I don't get it. Nice artwork, but not nearly as witty or subtle as some of the others. I uploaded two of my favorites. 

Muslim groups in Denmark and all over the world are condemning the republication of the images; however, I have yet to see any condemnation of the death threats and plots against the artist, the boycott of Danish goods, etc. If moderate Islam is truly "moderate," why doesn't it make a serious effort to curb extremism and rein in its fundamentalist brethren?

Islam isn't very vocal in condemning the fundamentalism within its fold . Instead, it's leaders condemn the rest of the world and their "abuse" of their freedom of speech.

Isn't this also the case with "moderate" Christianity and Judaism? The moderates are the "sellouts," the "lukewarm." The founders and early adherents of their religions were anything but moderate. Christ surely would not have been crucified if he was a suburban, minivan-driving, inoffensive guy. Moses and Muhammed probably wouldn't be your first choice for neighbors, either. The roots of Abrahamic religions are extremist and violent. By their standards, moderation is a modern disease. What are the lukewarm supposed to tell the fanatics? Do religious moderates have any ground to stand on?

The Golden Rumpus

Shaunti Feldhahn (in the Chicago Sun-Times, 12/8) criticizes the new movie The Golden Compass with the following words:

"'Making family friendly movies is laudable, and we are not so concerned with the film, per se, but it poses a bigger problem. Because parents and kids will see this movie and then want the books . . . and the books aren't watered down.'

Parents need to know that this first step will lead to another. And the next books are disturbing. We saw this trend with Harry Potter -- as each book and movie got darker and darker, to the point that many parents would never have let their kids read the last book, had it come out first.

I'm sad that parents even have to worry about this, especially at this time of year, when, as many families celebrate the birth of Christ, a foothold is given to books that want to do anything but."

I don't recall similar cautionary writeups about The Passion of the Christ, or The Ten Commandments--watch out, kids might want to read the books...when in fact the Bible with its angry, genocidal, racist, intolerant god with a penchant for the smell of burning flesh is far more disturbing than any of the Golden Compass books.

So, if your children seem poised to make the increasingly unlikely movie-to-book jump...they are doubtless safer with Philip Pullman's little fantasy than they will ever be with the Book at which he takes a little jab.

Sound Investment Advice

Uh...no pun intended. It just came out like that.

This blog is about investment advice. Simple. Buy ZUNE. The brown, poop-colored model is probably the way to go. Why? It's classic. The device itself is counterintuitive...I mean who didn't scratch their head when it was announced? The color...well, white and black are a bit too iPodish. Poop-color, now that fits the whole marketing strategy.

It's the one that Bill is holding in the photograph. You can't claim that yours is the one in the photo, though. Just to give you a bit of background on the photo, I have it on very good authority that this photograph was taken on the day that Bill came down from the Mountain. When he came down, he saw everyone gathered around a golden iPod. Dancing. Feasting. Enjoying the latest from Maroon 5 etc. etc. They were supposed to have been waiting musiclessly for Bill, while quietly dreaming of zuning each other and getting 3 and a half free plays of each others' tunes.

A couple of people at the bottom of the Mountain happened to glance up at Bill and pulled out an earbud each.
"Hey dude, isn't that Bill?"
"Bill? You mean the older guy waving the turd?"
"Yeah..."
"A turd. With bare hands...? That's really gross."
"The things people do for attention..."
"Yeah. He should wear gloves or something."

So, filled with righteous indignation, Bill raised his poop-brown zune (the historic kodak moment we have here), and smashed it on the ground. Shortly after this photograph was taken, Bill had to go back up the Mountain and get another one. The rest of the text is obviously garbled, because it says something like the next time he went up, he came back with an iPod...so he could go down and join the fun.

While we wait for a confirmation on how that story ended, let's get back to our sound investment.

Buy a Zune?!? Some of you may be wondering how such an unsound consumer decision could possibly be good investor advice. I don't think there is anything particularly surprising or even ironic about that. I mean, only an idiot actually uses commemorative stamps. What could you possibly use a Picasso or a Van Gogh for? Cut it up and make coasters? Some of the best investments are completely useless...the Zune is a perfect example.

The difference between investing in a Zune and becoming a Zune user, is that Zune users expect some kind of utility from their Zune. They take it out of the box and wait for their "zune experience" which never actually happens--unless "zune experience" is actually pig latin for iPod envy--something most zune users have in abundunce. They soon discover that only way to get over the "zune experience" is to get an iPod.

Oops, off on a tangent here. The important thing is that most Zunes get unwrapped and used. Last I checked, this causes their value to plummet to right around the 100 dollar mark (eBay). Probably lower, as soon as buyers realize that the retail price has been slashed.

Following their bout of iPod envy and general embarrassment, Zune users finally do what they should have done in the first place...buy an iPod. Their Zune fulfills its destiny as a gift to granddad, a paperweight, a makeshift nail pounder, the star of creative pyrotechnic clips for youtube, or a corpse weight. The point is, that ten years from now, Zunes will be unwrapped, dusty, dented from nails and melted here and there.

A pristine Zune, still in the wrapper (do they come in a wrapper?) will be as rare as a notebook full of Michaelangelo's doodles. Forget eBay. We're talking Sotheby's or Christie's. Mark my words.

Am I missing something?

This Larry Craig story...

OK, so he's a family values kinda guy. Republican. Adamantly "not gay." Against gay marriage...whatever. That's not the issue here.

Republican. Democrat. I don't care. I have very little use for politicians, period.

Back to Larry, despite his lame protestations to the contrary, let's just assume for a moment that he was hoping to get lucky. He sees this cute guy who gives him the eye and looks like he may be up for some fun...

...and this is the part that I don't get--an undercover cop doing hanging out in public toilets trying to entrap sexually confused geriatrics?

Think of the places where you (OK, not you...how about someone you know?) have tried to pick someone up. Let's think hetero for a minute (you'll have to bear with us, Larry). There aren't many mixed-use toilets, so let's change the venue. Bars are rather public places. Lot's of people get picked up in bars.

Let's pretend that Larry is straight, single or divorced, a democrat, let's keep him white (if he was black, they'd probably bust him for attempted rape), and he's alone in a bar...

This hot chick gives him the eye and lures him back to a dark corner. Larry has not gotten lucky for a long (just look at him). He follows her and just as he's starting to say, "hey baby, how about you and I..."

"Wipe your drool old man. I'm a police officer. You're under arrest for LEWD BEHAVIOR. You have the right to blah blah blah..."

Normal people would be up in arms. I hope anyway...America is pretty weird these days, so it's getting more and more difficult to know what qualifies as "normal."

The thing is that the real Larry (republican, married, family values kind of guy--whatever those are, sexually confused, Idaho senator Larry) didn't even do what our pretend, straight Larry did. All that happened was a bit of footsie and hand waving under a toilet divider. He didn't ask "how much for a blowie?" He didn't even verbally solicit sex. Probably no drool. either...

America, what's the big deal?!?

LEWD BEHAVIOR?!? Leave the poor old man alone!

And Larry, you silly ass! Why didn't you just say, "I thought he was cute. I just wanted to get his attention to ask for his phone number?" Surely they can't bust someone for waving to a cutie under a toilet divider to get their number.

Or can they?

Just a couple more questions:

Don't police officers have more pressing matters to attend to in airports? Can't they do something productive, like wander around the concourse looking manly with all their weapons? Or do something to help shorten the wait? Or harass people with beards and bad accents?

What do these cops say when their wives (or partners) ask them "how was your day, honey?"

"You're not gonna believe this...."

How to solve the world's hunger crisis

God, I love this stuff. More gasoline on the fire...or should I say fat on the flames. Here's some new research:

http://www.wesh.com/news/3930625/detail.html?subid=10100244

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fat_virus

Dr. Richard Atkinson believes that he has found a virus that causes FAT. I'm not even going to complain about the stats this time. I'll try another tack.

Do we need any more reasons to marginalize fat people? Do we need any more reason to ban them from the workplace and polite society? They are destroying our health and on the brink of lipidating the entire civilized world...

The evidence is mounting fast and furious, FAT people are chipping away at our society in every way they can, first by friendship (see an earlier blog), now by spreading the dreaded FAT virus...

It is pretty obvious that people with FAT need to be quarantined and kept away from the rest of us. If someone with "bad" TB can't ride an airplane, what about someone with "bad" FAT? FAT kills. It's as serious a killer as smoking. Smoking isn't allowed in restaurants and public buildings, what about people with FAT? Think of the possibilities for litigation:

"She gave me FAT..."

Start making a list of all the fatties you hang out with (especially the rich ones). If you ever come down with FAT, you could fulfill the new American Dream--litigate your way to prosperity.

One problem...rich people don't seem as susceptible to the FAT virus...

You may be wondering how any of this has anything to do with the world's food crisis. Well, think about it. Science is gradually "proving" that diet and exercise have nothing to do with the obesity epidemic. That means that rather than sending food to countries with food crises and famines, that we should send them our fat people. We'll not only stem the epidemic at home, but we'll give the starving people FAT. Once they catch FAT, they won't be skinny and hungry anymore.

...maybe we should also send over boatloads of 2 liter bottles of Coke and potato chips, too. I hear the FAT virus thrives on that stuff.


I've got this little theory. Don't get me wrong, I really like the FAT virus idea. It's a very cool way to send the lardos packing. None of studies say how you actually catch the virus. I'm just wondering if is possible for people to catch the virus by eating lots of unhealthy food and not exercising. And, if that is the case, maybe they can get cured by not eating so much crap and exercising...

...or perhaps, if someone has FAT, but they eat right and exercise, they may never have the symptoms...

...I'm going to step waaay out on a pharmacological limb here. You don't see many smokers with FAT. You don't see many speed freaks or crack heads with FAT, either...

...you don't suppose--hidden medicinal benefits?!? Maybe it's time sell those Apple Inc. stocks and put some money into tobacco shares and recreational pharmaceuticals...

Nah, too radical...

Let's stick with denial and discrimination.

Suicide bomber targets American Consulate in Osaka

A diminutive suicide bomber failed in his attempt to blow up the American Consulate in Osaka today. Authorities concluded from the bomber's probable Asian origins, abundant facial hair, lack of any documentation, the absence of an ipod containing American pop music, and the fact that the bomber had been seen outside a halaal restaurant several days earlier, that the would-be bomber was a radical Islamist. The botched nature of bombing attempt bore a eerie resemblence to recent such attempts in other countries including the United Kingdom. Authorities are investigating possible links to Al Qaeda.

Evidently the bomber was trying to enter the American Consulte through the grating in the street beside the heavily guarded building. The bomber got stuck in the grating and succeeded in committing suicide; however, no explosive devices were detonated. There were no other casualties or damage to the American Consulate or nearby structures. The fact that no explosive devices have yet been located, suggest that the bomber could have had an accomplice, who may strike again at any time. Authorities are making every attempt to determine if the would-be bomber was part of a homegrown plot or had been indoctrinated outside of Japan.

Passersby who noticed the little scene in the street seemed quite shocked that something like this could happen in this peaceful metropolis in western Japan. Citizens see this incident as part of the cost of supporting the United States in the war on terror in Iraq and expect an escalation in the coming months.